Story-A-Day #54: Wasting Away

WASTING AWAY

I know you all like to complain about how you are wasting away when the weather gets warm. You go on your fancy tropical vacations and complain about how it was so hot you could barely move – all you did was sweat the whole time.

You know what? That’s nothing. I mean look at me!

This is what wasting away looks like. This is what it looks like when the weather is too warm for you to function. It wasn’t long ago that I was a healthy individual standing tall and proud as sentry over the house behind me. Night and day I would survey the street and make sure that all was as it should be. Hell, I’d even make time to play with the kids; let them climb around me and throw snowballs at me.

You know what? I didn’t complain. Not even once.

But you people with your lives of luxury? You’re so quick to moan about the wonderful vacation you just had; to pick out the one little negative in what I can only assume was a fantastic getaway. And that’s all I can do is assume because let’s face it, I’m not really cut out for temperate climates, let alone life at the equator.

Oh I’ve seen the pictures and it does look like a little slice of heaven, but that’s as close as I will ever get.

I’ve watched you for the past few days, your toques and mittens abandoned at home and your jackets slightly undone. It’s still below zero, but to you, this is a lovely heat wave. To me, it’s death.

I mean it. Look at me. My eyes are lying on the ground between my legs. They look like a couple of testicles. Hell, the only thing I’ve seen since they dropped was my crooked carrot nose and the stupid chickadees that are using my head as a resting place. It’s depressing I tell you, slumped here in the lawn just wasting away. No fun at all.

Next time you want to complain about the weather, I implore you to think of me, the poor little snowman who is melting away. Better yet, see if you could find my stupid hat. It’s black and dashing.

You get me my hat and I am heading north man, no more of this rain, snow, rain, snow nonsense…